I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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