We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
