Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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