i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
