the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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