It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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