this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize