A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Randomize
