got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
