You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
