how can u be prego again
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
