you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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