When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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