11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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