On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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