I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize