i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
