listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I have aggressive nipples.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
