im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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