She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
