My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
