so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize