i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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