Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
