ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
