I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
