I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
