I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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