I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Randomize