Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
