I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
