Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
