This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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