i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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