If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize