I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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