I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
