i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
