This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize