Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
