So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
