Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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