If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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