Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
