my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize