the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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