My balls are so social today.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
