I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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