Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
