If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
