when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
