Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
