How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
