theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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