Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
