hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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